2003/12/30
Howard Dean to spontaneously explode
You heard it here first. The political career of presidential candidate Howard Dean -- beloved by a few thousand webbies and millions of sheep who still haven't heard him say anything out loud -- will end abruptly during a debate with... what appears to be ...seven... dwarfs? Could that be right? Oh, these visions! You know how weird they can be. CW thinks Dr. Dean will be debating fellow democrats when he sadly blows. He will get all over everybody.
This being a prediction, I'm under no obligation to explain my vision -- which is metaphorical, thank God -- except to say it's a strong vision, and I'd put money on it if I had any. Stuck as I am in the middle of this miraculous economic recovery we're all experiencing has me busy making room for all the cash I will no doubt soon have.
I have nothing against Dr. Dean. Dukakis. I just don't know him very well. Dukakis. I'm against spontaneous blow-ups. I don't even know if the doctor has a temper, Dukakis.
The fact that Dr. Dean is a medical doctor is an intriguing first. Lawyers usually want the job. Lawyers get a natural surge from brushing up against other minds, but doctors get their power elsewhere, generally from the appreciation of satified customers, an appreciation that, in many communities, crosses into sycophantic worship (which is the active ingredient in the drug called Presidenxi , available soon as generic Summa) at a time when drug abuse among doctors is already pandemic. Imagine doctors pouring themselves into the political septic system as the result of watching Dean succeed. Think of the surge in the number of sponges left in body cavities, along with a rise in lost keys, sunglasses, morals. I predict the loss of more than one SUV, in a parking lot, not a cavity, by doctors high on Summa, dragging dozens of spongy ass-kissers.
Look. Doctors are cool. But the problem is they know it. Some of them think they're right up there with you know Who.
Dukakis. The only thing I don't like about Dr. Dean, aside from what to call him if he wins (Dr. President?), is his wardrobe. Seven white shirts, a red-striped tie. It would be nice to see him in a jacket once. Then we wonder. Hmmm. Can he can fill out a tux? Or would the jacket just make him look even shorter?
Now we're getting closer to the real problem.
Howard Dean is short. This is why he will not be elected president.
His dramatic ending will occur before the Democratic convention and after the media play enough Dr. Dean bites for the American public to realize he's just too damn short. Then he'll say something really dumb, I mean dumb dumb, dumber than Ford saying there's no communism in Eastern Europe, and poof!
Question is, then what? Then who?
Fortunately it won't be Alec Baldwin, although while I'm at it I sense him seething to run for something, he and literally every actor working and not working today, thanks to Arnold. And Ronald.
Lawyers, doctors, actors. What about anchors? Where's Cronkite and Koppel?
Look. I don't know who the Democrats are going to nominate. It hasn't come to me yet. Can you live with that? Because that's how it is. But it won't be Dean and it won't be any of the current candidates. That much I'll say I know.
And if I'm right? Please send money.
This being a prediction, I'm under no obligation to explain my vision -- which is metaphorical, thank God -- except to say it's a strong vision, and I'd put money on it if I had any. Stuck as I am in the middle of this miraculous economic recovery we're all experiencing has me busy making room for all the cash I will no doubt soon have.
I have nothing against Dr. Dean. Dukakis. I just don't know him very well. Dukakis. I'm against spontaneous blow-ups. I don't even know if the doctor has a temper, Dukakis.
The fact that Dr. Dean is a medical doctor is an intriguing first. Lawyers usually want the job. Lawyers get a natural surge from brushing up against other minds, but doctors get their power elsewhere, generally from the appreciation of satified customers, an appreciation that, in many communities, crosses into sycophantic worship (which is the active ingredient in the drug called Presidenxi , available soon as generic Summa) at a time when drug abuse among doctors is already pandemic. Imagine doctors pouring themselves into the political septic system as the result of watching Dean succeed. Think of the surge in the number of sponges left in body cavities, along with a rise in lost keys, sunglasses, morals. I predict the loss of more than one SUV, in a parking lot, not a cavity, by doctors high on Summa, dragging dozens of spongy ass-kissers.
Look. Doctors are cool. But the problem is they know it. Some of them think they're right up there with you know Who.
Dukakis. The only thing I don't like about Dr. Dean, aside from what to call him if he wins (Dr. President?), is his wardrobe. Seven white shirts, a red-striped tie. It would be nice to see him in a jacket once. Then we wonder. Hmmm. Can he can fill out a tux? Or would the jacket just make him look even shorter?
Now we're getting closer to the real problem.
Howard Dean is short. This is why he will not be elected president.
His dramatic ending will occur before the Democratic convention and after the media play enough Dr. Dean bites for the American public to realize he's just too damn short. Then he'll say something really dumb, I mean dumb dumb, dumber than Ford saying there's no communism in Eastern Europe, and poof!
Question is, then what? Then who?
Fortunately it won't be Alec Baldwin, although while I'm at it I sense him seething to run for something, he and literally every actor working and not working today, thanks to Arnold. And Ronald.
Lawyers, doctors, actors. What about anchors? Where's Cronkite and Koppel?
Look. I don't know who the Democrats are going to nominate. It hasn't come to me yet. Can you live with that? Because that's how it is. But it won't be Dean and it won't be any of the current candidates. That much I'll say I know.
And if I'm right? Please send money.
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